highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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