alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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