she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
