Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
