anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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