I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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