I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
