She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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