He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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