Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
