Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
