Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Every concussion has its silver lining
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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