Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
