i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
