so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i wish my penis had a tongue
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
