dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
