he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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