Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
