Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
organizing the empties. That sober.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
