He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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