I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
