Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
