Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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