the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
