remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
