The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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