We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Two words: blizzard sex
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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