also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
