Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
