Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
