It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
