I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
