You really coming over, don't trick.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
