we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I love how my cats smell like pot.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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