I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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