Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
