I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
