i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I AM VODKA MAN
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
