Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
you made out with another girl for some wings
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
