Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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