I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
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