Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
