I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dicks are not precious.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
