i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
