only you would photoshop your dick
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
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