Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
