So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
