why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
