I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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