I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
