No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
