if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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