On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
