Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
